What to do when Chronic Illness Leaves You Feeling Lost, Alone, & Confused

What to do when Chronic Illness Leaves You Feeling Lost, Alone, & Confused

March 6, 2017 | Posted in: Chronic Life

As a four-year-old girl, I once peed my pants while hiding inside a circular rounder of clothing at our local Wal-Mart store. Having been somehow separated from my mom for what felt like an eternity, I’d become increasingly afraid of all the unknowns around me. Everything felt foreign, menacing, and overwhelming. As time passed, the idea that I had been cut off from my mom for all eternity cemented in my mind. In the end, I cocooned myself within the nearest rounder of clothing, shaking with terror. My sobs must have alerted someone to my presence, because just as my fear peaked and I released my bladder onto the floor, the clothes parted, and the face of an elderly Wal-Mart employee appeared. Queue ultimate humiliation.

While I felt sheer relief upon being reunited with my mom, she felt a different combination of emotions. It turns out learning your daughter peed on the Wal-Mart floor doesn’t emit instant jubilation.

The thing is, I felt lost, alone, and afraid. So I hid. (and peed)

Continue reading at : Counting My Spoons 

  • Share on Tumblr

2 Comments

  1. Sass
    April 5, 2017

    Leave a Reply

    How do you reach when you’re alone?
    And how much reaching out and asking for help can you do, when you’re waiting for help that never comes?
    I didn’t choose to be alone, but after being repeatedly left, the girl who always believed in love and never gave up, gave up. I no longer believe that relationships can survive chronic illness and all that comes with it.
    I’d always wanted to be in one of those couples that raises a family and grows old together. But it didn’t happen for me. Now I’m at an age and place in life where I know that I missed the boat. I’ve accepted that and actively choose not to pursue another relationship, because it costs me too much when it fails. I’m in no position to deal with the ramifications of a broken heart, increased depression, financial loss, instability and the feeling of repeat abandonment.
    But I’m sad that is how it turned out. I’m sad that no one was willing to stand by me in sickness, only in health. I’m sad that I don’t have that special person by my side to share my triumphs and my pain; to wrap me in a love that makes all the pain and sickness tolerable; to allow me to love in return and still feel that I have something worth giving. And I’m scared of what will happen to me when there’s no one to look after me anymore. I’ve been there before and, needing a full time carer, I’ve been through the impossibility of trying to do it alone.
    How do you hang on without quality of life?
    But how can you pull someone in when you know you won’t be around to love them into old age anyway?
    I’ve come to terms with being alone, but it doesn’t mean I’ve stopped feeling sad about it.
    It makes me feel unlovable, faulty, rejected…
    And sad and scared aren’t states of mind that are good for physical wellbeing either.
    I wish for peace, love and quiet happiness. That’s quality of life.

  2. Stacey Philpot
    April 7, 2017

    Leave a Reply

    First, I want to say how sorry I am that you were not met with the love and care you deserve. Because you are so worthy and deserving of love and care in sickness and in health. I am sorry that when you needed love and support, care and comfort more, it was lacking. I am sorry that when you needed to know you’d never be abandoned, you learned more about the selfish nature of human love. I am so so sorry.
    I am sorry that your home is not filled with the children, the warmth, the love your heart desires.
    So here’s the thing. I’m praying for you. I’m praying that your heart will heal. I’m praying that you’ll find love and comfort and peace and care in unexpected places. I’m praying that your heart will feel seen and treasured. I’m praying that where it has been dark and isolating, it will be new and filled with life and color again. I’m praying for hope and joy for you.
    Because I’ve been in that place where it feels like everyday is about suffering and no one sees and no one cares and I want more for you. And I believe more is possible. It may take a while. But I believe it can happen. Don’t give up hope on being seen and cherished and cared for, okay?

Leave a Reply


You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <s> <strike> <strong>

*